In making the pictures for this website, I noticed something happening to me.
Like everyone I have insecurities, and have been fighting to become more comfortable and accepting of myself over the years.
I
will never be tall. I will never be skinny. No point obsessing over
this, it will never change. So time went by and I became very
comfortable with myself, coming to terms with what I am and starting to
like all the little faults that make me what I am.
But all of a
sudden, posing for the camera made me compare myself to all those models out there who
are much prettier then me, who have makeup artists, who have had
surgery and all of a sudden I became ugly in my own eyes. All those
years of work to be happy with myself got ruined overnight.
Then
I considered surgery. Wouldn’t I be better with bigger breasts, no
cellulite, less fat? After all, what’s the difference between investing
time and money on your body and investing time and money to increase
intelligence or skills? Socially-wise, surgery is not well perceived
because we see it as shallow and artificial. But the fact that beauty
makes life easier is a well known fact, so we might denunciate surgery
and body building as much as we want and say it is superficial, we are
as petty because we prefer better looking people. Maybe in a way surgery is a way of evening out our birth lotery.
After much
thought, I realized that I like me pretty much the way I am and am not unhappy to the degree of undergoing a procedure that could be painful. Not making a living out of my looks, I didn’t really see the
point.
Then, I figured I could use Photoshop to alter what I
don't like. After all, what you see of me on those pictures is not
really me. We take about 150 pictures for a shoot, and you end up
seeing the ones I think are the 20 or so best ones. What I look like in
real life is nothing like the person on the pictures. To look like her
I have to wear makeup, take the time to really do my hair,
dress appropriately and maintain unnatural positions. The lighting, the
setting, all is there to give the extra something that makes me look
better then I do. This is not reality. This is not me waking up with a
hangover. So what’s the difference between the illusion of makeup and
other accessories and the illusion of Photoshop?
If I alter the lighting to hide the bags under my eyes or if I just remove them with Photoshop, isn’t the result the same?
Although
it logically seems the same, I had to draw the line somewhere. Applying
makeup was one thing, but then, with Photoshop I could make myself a
completely different person. Thin the thighs, make my breasts bigger,
make my face prettier even. Where would I stop?
Again, I do not
have to do this for a living; this is supposed to be about me having
fun and you being able to enjoy it as a by-product!
I think what
I’m trying to say is that the land of the pretty seems made of many
different shades of gray as no real truth overrides another. It’s all
for the customers anyway.
I have no customers, I have only me. So I had to draw the line where I would be comfortable.
Comfort
is this: no surgery, some Photoshoping. I’ll simply use it to make
colour and brightness corrections and removal of, say, horrible
occasional zit (I happily present to you a zitless me!) and some stuff
that I judge photographically innaproprate and you will be stuck with a
closer version of me.
Part illusion, part reality.
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